Bio of Addiction
K1 was raised by her grandparents in an upper middle class lifestyle. Her parents were unable to care for her due to addiction and family issues. “I had everything I ever wanted.” She would spend the weekends living with her mother, brother and sisters in a city environment. “I was truly living a double life, not knowing who to please or to be like.”
K1 began using casual Marijuana at 15 years old. K1 reports she was prescribed opioids at 18 or 19 years old, for severe anxiety and for the loss of a loved one. “ It took me a really long time to abuse them.” K1 was prescribed Percocet and Klonopin. K1 was later prescribed Roxicodone. K1 began using Roxicodone, a brand name of Oxycodone, nicknamed Roxy. She frequently speed balled combining Roxy and Adderall and or Xanax.
“I was so scared becoming an addict.”
“I grew up hating drugs.”
“By the grace of God I never got to heroin or shooting up. God saved me before I got there. I really do think if I would of ever, I would be dead. It’s just that simple. The amount I was doing I would of thought I could of handled. I know I was right there, on that verge before.”
She soon left her grandparents home. She lost her family, and friends.
“I burned every bridge I knew, living with family and friends.”
“In my mind I was just having fun, partying with my friends.”
“Even when I started snorting pills, I just looked at it as, this is what people did.”
K1 was arrested multiple times in NY and Florida while living in addiction.
k1 was arrested in Florida and placed in drug court. “I never gave drug court a chance.” As she left jail after her bail hearing, K1 immediately purchased and used opioids for the last time, but continued to use Adderall and Xanax. She was arrested three weeks later on 22 felony counts. K1 was incarcerated in Florida.
“What was the first turning point for me? Going to my first 12 step program in the jail. I can close my eyes and remember the moment like it just happened.”
“There was a women had never met before, she talked like me, she even kind of looked like me, and here she was telling me she had been clean for the past few years, and found a better way to live.”
“The first few meetings I was like crying. That is when I realized I was an addict and I wasn’t just partying and having fun, I was actually an addict and I had a problem. That meeting and that day I surrendered.”
Addiction 5 years
Recovery Attempts 1
“They say that relapse is part of recovery, and I beg to differ. I would like to be that person in twenty years from now, that relapse wouldn’t be part of my story.”
K1 entered a residential treatment center facility to deal with her addiction post incarceration. While in the program she began to see life differently and relearn living. She was almost discharged from the program for lying to staff, withholding money, and using Facebook. The staff director did not release K1 from the residential program. “I think she just believed in me and knew I would beat the odds.”
“That was the hardest thing I ever done in my life, I was almost kicked out. I really almost got kicked out. As much I wanted to believe I was working the program that they instilled, I was still lying about things, and …….. going to rehab is what made me realize it wasn’t about just not doing drugs. Not getting high started to be the easy part. The hard part was figuring out these defects I had that were making me a shitty person, that’s just the truth of it.”
“I still today have a serious issue of self sabotage, working the program has set me up for my clean date, and a lot of chaos and stuff happens, that would allow me to self destruct.
K1 returned to NY, for family and financial support. She attended 12 step meetings four times a week. She struggled finding a sponsor for the twelve step program, and eventually stopped attending meetings. She began posting in Rochester recovery forums searching for a new twelve step program. “A person reached out to me. I began going to the bonfire meetings. I began another twelve step program.” K1 found a reliable sponsor to help guide her through the twelve step program.
“When I was using I never even considered the idea of being a mom, at that time I don’t think I wanted kids.”
“I began going to the twelve step program because I needed connection.”
“I’ve been in between steps 5 and 6 because I needed a sponsor. Getting through the first five steps is what changed me.”
“I never lied to my sponsor or anything to do with my step work. I never rushed through step work, I didn’t just write BS down because I believe that what has allowed me to be really genuine right now
“I’m a completely different person. Even in early recovery, I was still a crappy person.”
“The biggest thing for me is the ability to cope with my feelings, the way I process what I’m feeling in my mind.”
“I really love who I am. It’s taken a really very long time to have confidence in myself, as a person, a women.”
Life in Recovery
“I’m still falling in love with myself.”
“What I have learned about myself, I have always ran away from pain.”
k1 recently became a mother.
“Without me being vigilantly involved in a recovery program, I would be no good at anything. I won’t be around to be a mom, sister, grand daughter, a friend, I won’t be any of it.”
“Once I found out I was pregnant, I was beyond overjoyed. I couldn’t believe I was actually going to be a mother. I truly believe God waited for me to get clean, and have some substantial clean time before he blessed me with having a child. I choose recovery everyday for myself first, and Legend second. He has given me more of a reason to continue fighting.”
“Legend doesn’t ever have to know his mother in active addiction. God willing, he will never see her. He will absolutely know of her, but not meet her. There are times he makes it harder, only because dealing with all of the emotions that come with being a mom are all new for me… At the same time it gives me a new drive, motivation and courage to continue to fight. These are all feelings, and emotions that I turn into actions. All things I’ve never experienced. I never knew love like this existed. All of it is a direct result to me finding recovery and choosing to stay clean.”
Volunteers at Hope Dealers BTC (Be the change)
Twelve Step Program
“Hope! My primary purpose is to deliver the message of hope. It’s from a twelve step program, but I really believe it. It took one person to give me that hope, now it’s turned into multiple people, but what she said to me changed everything. I could talk to 700 people and if one person sees hope in it, my job has been done.”